The Horror Movie Survival Guide

It’s Halloween, the perfect time of the year, to get hunter down by a super natural killer, or chased by zombies, or having a series of weird creepy events happening… Whatever might be the horrific situation you might be dealing with, here are tips to survive a horror movie…. at least till the sequel….

Peter’s 5 Tips to Survive a Horror movie:

Must be a virgin
Like the movie scream, a virgin always seems to survive the onslaught.
Must treat others more than yourself
It seems that if you care more for others than yourself you have a tendency to survive more
Must be unaggressive at first, but display an aggressive base.
Most leads are terrible unaggressive at first but seem to be assertive. When a situation arises you know that they are going to survive
Must be naive but aware of things around you.
Most leads are aware of wrongdoings, but are completely naive to the issues at hand.
Be able to withstand the first blow.
Some leads are able to withstand the first blow and get away. If you cannot then you are doomed.

Joseph’s 5 Tips to Survive a Horror movie:

Never separate.
It’s a basic law of survival that has existed since the invention of carnivores — Stay with the flipping herd, people. And what are you doing investigating weird sounds at night, anyways? Are you an idiot?
Don’t be a Paxton.
You know, the guy who’s always jittery and saying stuff like “game over, man,” or generally cramping the style of the group with their cowardess.Those people are usually the first or second to go, depending on what point the group decides to seperate to investigate weird sounds.
If you’re black and it’s the mid-90’s or earlier, you’re fucked.
Anytime more recent than that and you should be fine, especially if you’re Ice Cube.
Quit saying “there’s got to be a perfectly rational explanation for all this.”
Did you not just see your girlfriend’s cousin levitate and vomit her own entrails? What the hell is wrong with you? Wait a minute, are you seriously going off to investigate a sound right now? You know what, nevermind, carry on. I want to watch you die.
It’s called preparedness.
How’s the battery doing in your car/flashlight? Did you keep track of how many bullets you have? Do you remember which key unlocks the front door or starts the car? And here’s a thought: try looking behind you every now and then. It couldn’t hurt.

My 5 Tips to Survive a Horror movie:

Run… but not into the woods
The biggest problem is people lock themselves into homes and barns, as a general rule any enclosed space is a death trap, so just run away… but not in the woods, that’s like a giant death trap… the most recommended is a well light road or an international airport.
Forget about your friends
You know that hot blond girl you always had a crush on that in the face of danger told you when this is over you’ll be together, or your friend Jerome, the one that allows you to say that your not racist cause you have a black friend… well forget about them cause there is no way in hell they will live through this… it’s called dead weight for a reason… By the way, I include fuck buddies in friends… having sex is a death sentence, so forget about them too.
Don’t accept the help from hillbillies
When you are running on the road and a friendly buck tooth slack-jawed yokel offers you help, just keep running, the more time you talk to them the more chances you have to finish as meat in their freezer.
Find the link
Is your house built on a pet cemetery, have your parents burned a child killer before you were born, or are you a councellor at Camp Crystal Lake? Finding why and what is out to get you is your only path to salvation… forget fighting, a silver bullet and holly water can work in some cases but for the most part they are as efficient as blowing a kiss to stop a bullet train… find the link to you or one of your teammates and what you are up against and you’ll know how to defeat it.
When you think it’s over keep running cause it ain’t over yet…
Remember that in most cases you have to face something supernatural, and that you’ll more than likely won’t know the difference between being inconcsient and being dead… so when you think it’s over… use that time to go ahead and escape even further, cause by the time you’ll realize it’s not over, more than likely you’re demise is already happening.